re: my Vanity Fair photo shoot

Dear Annie Leibovitz, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job.

Am I a world-renowned photographer with major gallery retrospectives, books, and a Clio award, who has taken pictures of every major celebrity in the past 30 years? No. You are.

Did I shoot the iconic last photograph of John Lennon curled up naked around Yoko Ono just five hours before he was shot? No. You did.

So these are JUST suggestions.

Option 1: Girl, Interrupted

“Oh, hey. Haha. I didn’t hear you come in… ”

Sure, it’s been done before, but it’s a classic. All we will need is a blow-out and some kind of very expensive evening wear that looks like one of Donald Trump’s bedsheets. I’m thinking maybe Vera Wang? I suppose we could also use an actual sheet, but I don’t want to look whorey. I want to look like I am just getting up off the floor after having hot animal sex with my baby-daddy. And my hair is still perfect.

Option 2: Pocahotness

I recently started working out. Nothing crazy, but you know, free weights, cycling, hitting the Precor. I’m thinking maybe a full-body action shot (tastefully done, of course) to nonchalantely emphasize my muscle tone under the guise of an historical or literary theme? Laura Ingalls Wilder running down the hill like in the opening of Little House on the Prairie, but in some kind of super-thin cotton dress? A slutty Sacagewea standing on a canoe, pointing toward the horizon? I don’t know, I’m just spit-balling here. Cleopatra didn’t wear a lot of clothes, right?

Option 3: Ice me up

I’m assuming you can probably borrow whatever you want from Harry Winston and shit.

I’m not really a jewelry person, but you know, this isn’t about me. This is about giving the people what they want. And people love the bling, yo. I’m just saying. I know I’m not super famous or anything, but shit, they lend jewels to like tertiary characters on Glee for the People’s Choice Awards. And this will just be one little studio photo shoot, and far less chance that one of the earrings will end up at the bottom of Wilmer Valderrama’s pool.

Option 4: Two words: Sexy. Clown.

So, I guess I’ll just wait to hear back from you, then. Take care.

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