What to do if your driver’s license is stolen

I’ve recently taken a freelance job where I write blog posts for a website all about the Department of Motor Vehicles. (And it IS as sexy as it sounds.) I had a little trouble getting started, so I had a couple glasses of Merlot, and decided to free-write to get the creative juices flowing. This is what came out:

What To Do if Your Driver’s License is Stolen

So, some fucker stole your ID. Or it fell out in the cab (you think). Or you forgot it at the bar (you hope). But when it doesn’t turn up for a day or two, you realize, shit. You have to put on your big girl pants and replace it.

Obviously, you should call the places where you might have lost it. Do a little detective work. Go all Law & Order SVU. Be a pain in the ass. Because God knows your life is going to be a pain in the ass if you have to take time off work to go to the fucking DMV.

But if it doesn’t turn up, you really need to report it to the authorities. In fact, you should do that A-SAP. Because, yes, there are a lot of kind-hearted people out there who will do the right thing and turn it in. And then there are a lot of fuck-faces who will get credit cards in your name and buy buttloads of electronics.

And, most likely, there are underage drinkers who will go to any means possible to obtain several bottles of Hot Damn! and MD 20/20. Call the cops. Or the state. Or whoever you call. But do it.

Then you are going to have to go down to the fucking DMV. I’m sorry. And that means you are probably going to have to take a cab, or just hope you don’t get pulled over on your way there. Or if you do get pulled over, hope that it is one of those nice cops like the dad on Family Matters. Or get your significant other or your friend to take you, because really, what have they done for you late-ly?

At least the DMV usually has a ton of natural light, great coffee, and super-friendly service. No. Think ambiguously-stained synthetic fibers. Think linoleum. Think gray-skinned, fluorescent-light-soaked sad-sacks whose hearts have been hardened by assholery.

But at least the other patrons will be in good moods, right? No. They will smell like fried-food farts and look like they should not ever, EVER drive a car. That’s another reason why your friend or S.O. is there with you. To gawk at these people.

You will probably not have to take any kind of test to get your replacement ID. Buy you will have to prove that you are you (with a Social Security card, or a birth certificate, or some other legal government shit—which, FYI, if you don’t have this you are SERIOUSLY fucked. I hope you like the bus).

If you do have the exact legal document they require, you’re in luck! (Though, how do they fucking know? My social security card doesn’t have my picture on it. Is there some kind of oracle in that blue paper that pops out and is visible only to the clerk, like some DMV version of Synergy from Jem and the Holograms who tells them it’s really me?).

Sometimes they will just issue you a new ID using the exact same photo that you had before.

Or, if you are really lucky, they might let you re-shoot your photo. This is the ONLY potentially positive thing about losing your license. You MAY get a second chance at your ID photo. And you still might look like you just had sex with a 12 year old.

Better luck next time!

Oh, and you might have to pay like 15 bucks or something.

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