This REI totally blows

What? No climbing wall? I mean, no climbing wall at ALL? I know that not every REI can have “a 47-foot monolith encompassing over 6,400 square feet of hand-sculpted rock surface” like the one at the flagship store in Denver. It just wouldn’t be cost efficient. But, I ask you, how am I supposed to know, for sure, without any shadow of a doubt, that the La Sportiva TC Pro Rock Shoe (retail $180.00; color: sage) is the right one for me? I ask you, how?

Are you suggesting that I should just take my chances? What will happen when I’m free soloing the Dawn Wall on El Cap? Yeah, I said it. Fuck you, Tommy Caldwell. I can cut off a fucking finger, too. Just give me an hour, a bottle of tequila, and a Benchmade 556SBK-1201 Mini-Griptilian Knife (retail $135.00; color: crimson).

I bet they don’t even have an outdoor bike path weaving through the grounds so that you can test out your new Scott Spark 35. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Fuck this place. Is there anywhere in town to get decent seitan wings? I bet no one in this store has ever even HEARD the 11.2.98 Phish show where they did Dark Side of the Moon. Losers.

And, scene. This has been my impression of a Colorado outdoors enthusiast visiting the downtown Austin REI location. 


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